


It'll All Make Sense Again.

by FallOrLetGo



Series: Days of a Man's Crowded Mind [3]
Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Additional World-Building, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Break down, Descriptive Panic Attacks, Hospitalized, Non-Descriptive Self Harm, Sanders Sides - Freeform, Self-Hatred, hurt-comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-30 14:24:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12110649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallOrLetGo/pseuds/FallOrLetGo
Summary: Anxiety was crumbling, and he didn't want anyone else to see. No one else was going to be able to see anymore...(Inspired by TheChaoticArtist's YouTube videos "...1/2" and "...2/2")





	1. The Urge to Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Read all of the tags first! Just please know this is a very dark fic, and for people where description of panic, anxiety, depression, etc., can affect you, please be careful! Love you all and stay safe <3

_ Door locked, lights dimmed, eyes closed. _

Anxiety was crumbling, and he couldn’t let anyone else see. His headphones thrown over his head, making his sorry attempts at drowning out the crippling voices in his mind _raging_ at his lack of worth. _They_ didn’t care, _he_ didn’t care, _nobody fucking cares_.

_ And you know what? Nobody should! _ Anxiety’s mind screamed.  _ When was the last time you did something of worth? How can you help Logan when you’re the least logical person out of the four? How can you console Patton when he’s too worried about you to open up about his own feelings? When was the last time you ever even supported Roman’s ideas instead of destroying all the hope he has?  _

_ When was the last time you helped Thomas in a situation? When was the last time you  _ **protected** _ him? _

Question after question raided his mind, and of course, all the  **wicked** answers swam alongside them, stabbing their false reasoning  ~~_ that he could only deem true _ ~~ on the inside of his skull like a tattoo artist’s needle. He  _ didn’t _ help, he  _ wasn’t  _ redeemable, and he  _ couldn’t _ protect. No, he  _ didn’t _ protect. If he tried harder, maybe he’d achieve something, but then again, whatever he did wasn’t enough anyway.

His thoughts were yanked into reality as his body began to fail him  _ again _ , the physical repercussions of his reeling mind leaking outward. His lungs constricted, his vision blurred through all the tears, his bones shook, and his muscles ached  ~~_ matching his already-present migraine _ ~~ . He couldn’t control anything but his volume, as he noiselessly wept in the far corner of room  ~~_ in the far corner of Thomas’s mind _ ~~ , praying that the Sides wouldn’t hear him  ~~_ though they never actually  _ need _ him _ ~~ and that Thomas couldn’t sense whatever was happening. 

_ Jesus _ , he can never have Thomas feel like this. If he could steal every insecurity his host has ever had, he would do so in a heartbeat  ~~_ HEARTBEAT. Like his being  _ incredibly incredibly  _ fast. Too fast TOO FAST _ ~~ ~~.~~ Anything to save the man; the brave, amazing, kind man that goes through every single  _ freaking _ day with the chaos of four minds inside of his own. Thinking, hearing,  _ feeling _ everything that happens inside himself and every single one of them, yet still leaping into the world with a grin and a corny joke. Anxiety didn’t deserve him.  _ Anxiety didn’t deserve any of them. _ His proof was in his name: fear, frustration, suffering, illogical negativity, panic, boundaries… it was all too much. In his chaotic current state came a single sound sentence.

**_This is worse than usual… I should tell the others…_ **

Yet he never rose to open the door, and that hopefulness quickly vanished in a skew of darkness.

His eyes drew to his bedside table, a single drawer with harmful contents inside. His mind formulating the thoughts **he promised** **himself** he’d never think again. Anxiety turned away and cowered in fear of what those thoughts told him. He attempted to retaliate.

_ Shit, shit, shit. I can’t! They need me,  _ Thomas _ needs me here! Please, I can’t imagine this again I can’t I can’t I have to stay here _ **_please please please_ ** _ let me stay here. _

~~_ … what if they don’t need you? _ ~~

_ They do. _

~~_ How would you know? _ ~~

...Virgil was silenced. 

His eyes drew to the bottom drawer. He crawled towards it, utterly anguished, and opened the bottom drawer.

In the far back right corner taped to the top surface, there was a razor blade. A blade no one else knows about, not even Thomas Sanders himself. A blade that has been meticulously cleaned time and time again. A blade that hadn’t cut in a very long time. A blade that isn’t used often, but leaves a sting that lasts a lifetime.

Even when Anxiety first picks it up, he drops it immediately, his last legs of self-preservation holding him back. Yes, he’s used it…  **but never to the extent that he’s imagining right now.**

_ What will happen to him? What will happen to Thomas? How will the others react? Will they ever get over it? Will they even care at all? Can he pull it off? Will the others hear him? Is it painful?  _ **_Can he actually die?_ **

Question after question swam in his mind... until there was just the urge to silence them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is different from my other works, but I just hope that you all enjoy, and take something meaningful out of it (or don't, it's all your own choice). I will not mention the ending to this fic, but please know that you are loved, you are amazing, and you are very very awesome! Recommendations, harsh criticism, kind criticism, suggestions, new ideas, ancient family potion recipes, excerpts from your favorite spell-books, random Disney movie quotes, and relevant Disney movie quotes, are all appreciated and completely welcome! Take care of yourselves, stay safe and have an absolutely amazing day!


	2. A Cry For Help.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath, and a tearful plead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, be careful! No clear description of self-harm happens, but the after effects are in here! Please know yourself well enough to know what you can and cannot read, I care about you guys <3

Anxiety didn’t know if he was doing it right, all he knew is that it  _ definitely _ hurt. His arms ached and he stares into the sky in horror, arms clutching his midsection as his head spins.  **_No no no no no. This isn’t what I wanted this isn’t right this isn’t good I can’t I can’t I can’t_ ** **_it hurts it hurts it hurts_ ** . 

His black attire only looked darkened, but Anxiety knew that the red would eventually show. His breathing erratic, more than it ever had been, and his beats slower than he ever remembers, which only carves into his severe panic even more.  _ He needs help. He needs help. HE NEEDS HELP. _

Anxiety tries to scream, but he can’t hear anything.  _ Did he even make a sound? What was going on?  _ His body is convulsing, betraying his need to stay calm.  **_His voice isn’t working and his door is locked._ ** He crawls, slower and slower every time, just reaching the door to unlock it, his usual powers of control in his room failing him  ~~_ like everything else is _ .  ~~

His strength is lost on him, but there’s  **something** he can do, something’s he’s never done before… something he doesn’t think any of the other Sides have even  _ tried. _

His eyes closed, but his mind is racing, thinking, focusing, using all of his current power to scream,  _ scream,  _ **_SCREAM_ ** to his host, to tell him what’s happen, to get any sort of help.  To  **_help_ ** him. To  **_protect_ ** him. To  **_save_ ** him.   **_PLEASE THOMAS SAVE ME._ **

Images flashed in his head of the areas in the mindscape until he could finally see Thomas,  _ hear _ Thomas,  _ feel _ Thomas, in the other world. Thomas felt him in all of his madness, Anxiety knew that. That’s why Thomas looked, **no** ,  _ felt _ so disheveled. Of course his host never showed anyone his deep anxiety, he was just as secretive with it as Virgil was. 

Thomas was in his apartment, typing on his computer while standing near the countertop, that strained, anxious expression on his face. Virgil called out to him,  _ begged  _ to him, and he forced Thomas to feel all of his emotions, his fears,  **everything happening to him** flooded into Thomas’s conscious mind. Within seconds, Thomas’s breath caught in his throat, not understanding what was going on. His hand reached to his head as images, emotions, fears, made their way through his brain.

The host immediately fell to the floor, his knees buckling, and the confusion and **chaos** in his mind raced too fast for his body to catch up. Thomas’s head screamed and swarmed, everything out of order. _Something is bad, something is really really fucking bad. What is so bad? What am I hearing? Who is calling me? What is going on,  I can’t understa- Virgil Virgil Virgil. Why Virgil? Virgil is calling me. Why is Virgil calling me? Pain pain pain pain Virgil needs me_ ** _bad bad bad_** _but why? What is happening? What’s wrong with Virgil? I don’t understand. Something’s wrong with Virgil. Virgil, what’s so bad?_ ** _NO NO NO_** _that can’t be why._ ** _NO NO NO NO_** _Virgil bad_ ** _HELP HIM HELP VIRGIL I HAVE TO HELP VIRGIL._**

As he collected and absorbed every moment, Anxiety watched Thomas’s  _ shaking _ hands fall to his forearms unconsciously and his eyes widened. His eyes appeared focused on nothing and Thomas shouted not only to the air, but also to Logan, Patton, and Roman, inside of him, making sure everyone could hear.

**_“VIRGIL.”_ **

Thomas felt his vision blur, gripping onto his sliding consciousness, knowing that somewhere in his mind, a quarter of his personality that is Virgil had just passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! Another chapter very quickly posted after the first. This is not the final chapter, of course, there is most definitely more to come! As always, recommendations, harsh criticism, kind criticism, suggestions, new ideas, ancient family potion recipes, excerpts from your favorite spell-books, random Disney movie quotes, and relevant Disney movie quotes, are all appreciated and completely welcome! Please, please, please take care of yourselves (you are loved and cherished and appreciated), and have an amazing day! If no one else says this to you today, I think you are practically perfect in every way!


	3. Found.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil, where are you? Let us find you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings as usual, although this chapter is not very gore-filled, it is very panicked and hectic.

In effect to Thomas’s knowing of what happened, it only took a few minutes for the other Sides to find out what was going on. They all were brought from the mindscape as Thomas, _not even recognizing he did so,_ tore them into his living room. Immediately, as they were next to him, the swarm of events of what happened filled their thoughts as well.

There was a millisecond of silence, and then all three of them in unison, all of their voices in identical phrasing, tone, and volume, shouted,

**_“WHERE IS HE?!”_ **

However, they all already knew. Roman bounded to Thomas, picking the weakened man up, but the host was already sinking the four of them into the dark trait’s room. Patton could barely breath through his choked sobs, having not even seen the dark trait. Logan’s eyes were dripping with silent tears, refusing to speak, for he knew he would break. Roman just **_moved_ ** . as fast as he could, using as much of his knightly strength as imaginable. He _needed_ to save Virgil, he _needed_ to get there in time.

Thomas was stumbling constantly, but his heart, mind, and body was set on getting to his Anxiety. His body could barely function; his heart sped erratically, his breathing was sporadic, and his head pounded against his skull with a force like no other. But, he had Roman’s arm as his support, and that was good enough.

 _God_ , Thomas felt **_everything_** _._ The questions, the fear, the suffering, and he knew that he had already _felt_ all of this before, but it was as if, this time, he didn’t have Virgil inside his mind. Instead, _his mind was inside Virgil’s_ , unraveling every negative point, the logic behind it, the feelings of doubt. He couldn’t understand **_how_** and **_why_** , but he could **_feel_** his Side clearer than he ever had before, hell, he sensed _exactly where Virgil was inside his mind_. That was precisely why when they all resurfaced in the mindscape, Thomas was on the ground, **unable to stand,** directly next to Virgil’s unconscious body, already examining all the cuts around his arms. Without even looking at them, he knew where every single cut was, ~~**_for he dully felt them on his arms too._**~~

Logan was immediately by his side, phone in hand, dialing a number, assumably the hospital. His voice cracked as he opened his mouth, and Thomas knew the Side silently cursed at himself for not restraining his utter fear.

“Yes, we have an emergency: S-s-Suic-cide att-tempt, named V-Virgil Sanders, he’s a Personality Side,” Logan uttered, his voice cutting as he said Anxiety’s name, the harsh reality glaring at him. Thomas thought back to Logan mentioning the nearest hospital had a ward for Sides, just like any other ward. ~~**_Thomas never thought he'd have to use it._ ** ~~

Logan paused, listening to the other end, and his worry lines creased as more tears rushed past his features as he answered the next question. “ **... he is our host’s Anxiety**.”

Patton, through loud, harsh sobs, was checking Virgil’s pulse, airway, and breathing, and Roman had already sunk out and back with a first aid kit. He was the strongest, but Thomas and Logan both knew he was reacting the best purely due to the five stages of grief. _He must still be in denial. Or shock..._

“I couldn’t conjure a kit myself,” Roman quickly explained, hands **shaking vigorously** as he took Virgil’s arms ever so lightly. “All of it would’ve disappeared immediately when we rushed back to reality.” Thomas tried to utter a response, but speaking caused his head to suddenly spin. Logan stared at him, not yet hanging up the phone. _He knew something was up._

“I am Logan Sanders, my host’s Logical Side, and there are also Patton and Roman, who are his Morality and Creativity. My host is showing vivid physical signs of distress that are above his normal level of physical connection to any of us,  and... **Thomas, you can** **_feel_ ** **Virgil** , **can’t you?** ”

Thomas stared at him, his head quickly losing the initial dizziness. Logan already knew the answer, but that didn’t stop Thomas from trying to explain himself. “I can… he’s just so… I don’t unders... What… **what’s happening to me?** ”

Logan didn’t immediately respond,  he just brought the phone back over to his cheek and stated rapidly, “... and _I am to believe that Virgil amalgamated to our host._ ”

 _Amalgamated…_ Thomas thought to himself. _That means… to connect. Virgil…_ **_connected_ ** _… with me?_

Patton and Roman continued what they were both doing, but stared at Thomas, then to each other, looks of shock, neither negative nor positive, on their faces. Logan quickly finished giving all information, confirming an ambulance, and left the phone on the floor, the speaker at the loudest volume. He quickly shifted over to Thomas, who’s weak body still clung to Virgil like a lifeline, and studied him intently. A few seconds after, Patton’s eyes locked onto the host, and Roman’s soon after. Instead of Thomas attempting to break the tense silence, he closed his eyes and focussed once more. His head pounded against his skull as he felt familiar movement follow him, and the five of them were all back in his living room.

“... back into the living room so we can get to the ambulance quickly. Virgil… he... lost a lot of blood, but-” Thomas’s hand was already grasping Virgil’s, however a small instinctive voice ~~**_that he knew was himself, yet didn’t know_ ** **how** **_it was himself_ ** ~~ finished his sentence before he could recognize what he’s saying. “- he isn’t in critical condition, and the bleeding is slowly down. He stopped himself before- be- before it could get any w-worse. He can’t… he can’t feel anything right now. He’s alright. He absolutely needs stitches th-though...”

There was a long silence.

“Kiddo… how can… how can you know that?” Patton slowly asked, carefully phrasing the question; his sobs got softer at Thomas’s confirming words of safety.

“I… I can **_feel_ ** him…” Thomas began, but quickly paused as the dizziness overcame him. He thought back to the severe loss of blood. Within seconds though, Roman and Logan, already sitting next to him, placed their hands on his shoulders. “It was like he called out to me, I guess. I felt something was off in the back of my head all day, an-and within seconds, that feeling just rose up and I… I felt…” _Thinking about it made the reactions worse,_ Thomas thought to himself, once again gripping onto Virgil’s hand, suddenly noticing that his breathing unwillingly matched Virgil’s unsteady rises and falls.

“... everything he was feeling.” Roman finished the sentence, and placed a hand on Thomas’s back. “Thomas, this is… this is something none of us have attempted, but to put it lightly, we have the ability to, call out to you, in a sense, and momentarily have you become _connected_ to one of us more so than usual. In-instead of _us_ being within _your_ mind, it’s almost as if-”

“ **-almost as if I’m put into one of yours** ,” Thomas finished. Roman nodded. “Virgil felt like he was... _dying_ , and I could hear him calling out to me, **_begging_ ** **_t-t-to h-help h-him-_ ** ” Thomas’s fear broke freely as everything crashed on top of him. _I have to take care of my Sides just as much as they do me. I_ **_failed_ ** _. I failed and I don’t deserve to be a host. Virgil needed me and I couldn’t see it-_ **_how_ ** _could I not have seen it?! Virgil is a part of me, everything he is, I am, and I’m so_ **_foolish_ ** _and_ **_pathetic_ ** _to not see that. How could I-_

His thoughts were interrupted by Patton leaping towards him and Virgil, pulling both into a hug. The host’s and the Heart’s sobs drowned the others’ out. Thomas melted into the embrace, and his Heart wanted nothing more than to hold on for dear life.

Roman placed a hand over his mouth, choking back his irregular breathing, until his eyes leaked a long-fought-back bout of tears, and his hearty voice cracked under the pressure. The strong knight _never felt so weak_ , and he flung himself into the two's hug.

Logan sat on the edge of the couch, looking up at the ceiling, counting back from ten. _Don’t think about it. 10. 9. You have to be strong. 8. 7. This isn’t your fault. 6. I mean if you only noticed the signs… 5. 4. Maybe he wouldn’t have… 3. 2. Jesus, This_ **is** _your fault, Logan._ ** _How could you be so stupid?_** His tears have far passed leaked, and he threw himself hopelessly onto the rest of his family.

Every single one of them blamed themselves.

The paramedics didn’t even knock. And honestly, they didn’t have to. The Sides parted from one another immediately to expose the weakened, paled Virgil.

For one moment, Patton, Roman, Logan, and Thomas could’ve sworn they all saw Virgil lazily opening his eyes. In Thomas’s mind, he swore Virgil’s voice called out to him.

**_... Thomas?_ **

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is reading, kudos-ing, subscribing, and commenting! As usual, any sort of comment is beyond welcome, and to every single one of you: you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. <3 Take care!


	4. ... You There?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caught in the nick of time, Thomas and the Sides rush to the hospital, praying for some sort of miracle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who have gotten this far, welcome back!
> 
> I assume you know how my usual shpeel goes, BUT this chapter has mentions/reactions to needles, feelings of stitches, an other generalized hospital stuff. Know your bounds, my friends <3

Thomas thought he’d be feeling at least a little better by now.

It was far from the truth.

They made it to the hospital (the paramedics said it was in “record time,”  ~~_ but then why did still feel like an eternity? _ ~~ _ ) _ , and the five of them were all forced to stick together. 

This was the opposite of what they expected; the usual trope was to be forbidden to see their loved one, but this time none of them were allowed to leave one another’s side. 

As Virgil was brought into his room (of which contained  **five** beds), Logan was the first to deduce why:  _ the five of them were all physically, mentally, and emotionally, connected in some way, so they needed the five of them to fully evaluate Virgil. _

The said room was inside the supposed Personality Sides ward, which felt oddly… empty. In Thomas’s mind, he’s only met one other person whose Sides were personified and conjurable as his were (that person was Lilly Singh, whom he has had many discussions over what to do about being a host). To have an entire sectioned off area be designed for rare  ~~**_odd_ ** ~~ people like himself felt… wrong, in some way.  ~~**_How often did other people’s Sides try to kill themselves?_ ** ~~

Many doctors and nurses have ran through the five of them. Taking pulses, observing Virgil and Thomas, asking many many questions. Within 10 minutes of being there, the five were already pushed into a large medical room.

“You see, Thomas, your Sides are all an extension to yourself. Thus, we need all five of you to be thorough enough to aid one of you. This also means that you’re going to need  _ a lot _ of rest, strength, and energy to keep all of your Sides from falling back into your mind,” A nurse quickly explained, his monologue fast, practiced, and to-the-point.

A doctor flew beside Thomas, and she immediately picked up from where the nurse left off. “... and most of our current medical procedures do not properly process if done directly to a host’s Side. In this case, stitches shall be directly applied to Anxiety-” Thomas flinched at the lack of Virgil’s real name. “-however the anesthetic shall be injected in you. Once we know your other Sides feel the effects, we’ll know to operate on Anxiety.”

Thomas immediately closed his eyes at mention of anesthetics, knowing the very large,  **very painful** needle would throw him into a panic attack, which of course, would affect Virgil as well. Pain shoots up his arm and he flinches, tears running down his cheeks. Seconds after, he can hear Patton screech, Roman fumble, Logan yell, and Virgil…  _ Virgil hissed. _

_ “Virgil?! _ ” Thomas said in a hoarse voice. The doctor stared at him intently, and it took him some time to realize he was the only person that heard.

“You can still sense him?” The doctor asked curiously, eyes glaring into him like a science experiment ~~**_… a lab rat._ ** ~~

“Yes, I think- I think he hissed at feeling the needle. That’s a good sign, right?” Thomas said blankly, eyes not leaving his dark Side. He didn’t  _ care _ what  **he** felt, he cared what  **Virgil** felt. 

“Fascinating… your intent and focus on Anxiety is causing _ you _ to latch onto his connection. Usually these things subside by now, but you’re practically  **_strengthening_ ** it.” Thomas  _ didn’t care. _ He just wanted Virgil to  **be safe** . He want’s to  _ hold _ him and  _ love _ him and never  _ ever _ fucking let go again.

“... His name is  _ Virgil _ ,” Patton quietly spoke, a hint of uncharacteristic anger lacing his voice. “We would all find it much more comforting if you would call him by his name. He is just as much a person as you or Thomas.” The doctor was unresponsive to the remark, but her silence was answer enough. She moved around, prodding at the group’s arms, ensuring they’re fully numb, then quickly setting to work on Virgil.

Thomas couldn’t bare look at what was happening, but he closed his eyes and willed himself to let Virgil hear his voice.

“Virgil, I hope to God that you can hear me, because you need to know that  **we all fucking love you.** Yes! I cursed for you because you’re that  _ goddamn _ important!” Thomas whispered just loud enough for the other Sides to hear him. He uttered a small laugh, something that felt so wrong, yet also felt so damn right. “We all have been through hell and back with you, and if you think we’re letting you go that easily, well, I bet you know nothing about the mind of Thomas Sanders.” He took in a sharp breath, a foreign, uncomfortable, inward pulling sensation dragging along the inside of his forearm… _ it did kind of feel like a sewing needle. _ A familiar bubbling of fear rising in the pit of his stomach. That fear, for once, **felt like the most comforting feeling in the world.**

“Virgil, when you wake up, and I can feel it, I  _ know _ that you will, we’ll never leave your side. You are  **not** a bad guy. You were  **never** a villain and you never  **will** be. I am a bumbling mess without you and you  **know** that! You make up parts of me I would never want to live without, and I never want to live without  **you** . Because Virgil,  **_none of us want to live without you_ ** . Not Patton, not Roman, not Logan, and most of all,  **_not me!_ ** You are unimaginably powerful, strong, thoughtful, kind, and you do not have to constantly see that for it to be true. We’re not mad at you, nor will ever blame you for feeling unwanted. You don’t have to believe it immediately, even at all, but we love you so so much, and we’re all here to remind you anyway... 

**_“We love you Virgil... promise to see you soon.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything in the comments is more than welcome, and to put simply, you are loved <3 Stay safe, friends.


	5. Secret For The Mad.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some more happy times ;)

Groggy. That’s the first word that comes to Virgil’s mind upon waking. His head has certainly felt worse, but his arms throbbed. He attempted to graze them with his hands, but a heavy comforter blocked his way.  **Wait, what?**

The dark Side bounded up, heart pounding in his chest, throat and head, brain swimming with all the details that he previously forgot.  **_No no no, he_ ** **did** **_it. He actually tried to- no no no no no no, he was_ ** **breathing** **_and_ ** **alive** **_and-and-and… where was he? Home, home, home. This wasn’t…_ ** **_this wasn’t home_ ** **_. This was a…_ **

Oh.

He was in a hospital? Yes... a hospital.

His thought processes were interrupted by a loud gasp immediately to his left, and a figure rose up from the bed next to him. _That voice… that was Thomas._ **Thomas** woke up next to him, sporadic and unkempt. He must have sensed Anxiety coming to. Anxiety looked around him.

Four beds. Four heads of purple hair. They were…  **They were here too. Why were they here too?** His mind drifted to a discussion with Logan from ages ago about a nearby hospital with a Sides Ward.  _ Is this what it was like? Is that why all of them were there?  _ Virgil stared at his discombobulated host for a second, only thinking,  **_holy shit._ **

The bags under Thomas’s eyes were more apparent than Virgil has ever seen before. The idea dawned on him that Virgil and the Sides must have been out of Thomas’s mind for too  long a time.  _ Is this what happens to him? _ Anxiety could see Thomas’s hands visibly shaking, his face paled, and every muscle in his body was weakened. Hell, even the shadows that fell across his face made him seem more decrepit.  _ How long have the four of us been outside of his mind? Has he passed out yet? Are the doctors forcing him to do this? How could Thomas have even coped like that?   _ Virgil couldn’t help but cringe as the visible, **torturous** weariness of his host quivered alongside Thomas’s soft smile. It almost made Virgil want to laugh.  _ How can a man hurting so much still have the smile of an angel? _

“I- I- Thomas?” he whispered, his voice low, quiet, and softer than a pin-drop.

Thomas stared at him, only for a moment.

Then  **leapt** onto the bed, immediately engulfing Virgil into an embrace that matched no other. 

Hiccuping, noisy, sloppy, sobs uttered from Thomas’s vocal chords, uncontrolled and unruly. Virgil froze, before he noticed his face was wet. Nay… his face was soaked. He had been crying too. He has  **_really_ ** been crying too.

Virgil attempted to take a deep, slow breath, but it ended up becoming choked, hitching multiple times. He didn’t know what to do; Thomas just whispered sweet nothings in his ears again and again and again and again, and Virgil wanted to say a million things at once. He tried to pull away and explain himself, but Thomas stopped him, shaking his head in Virgil’s shoulder.

“Don’t explain a thing, Virgil. You don’t have to apologize, we und-understand and we d-don’t blame yo-you at all. I p-promise none of us are m-mad, a-and we all brought you here as fast as w-we could an-and tried so fucking hard to help a-and it’s been nearly 2 days a-and I’ve missed you and I- I know we can’t always help your emotions b-b-but you n-need to-to-to he-hear that I f-fucking  **love** you, Virgil, and I never, never, never,  _ ever _ want you to leave my side ever  **ever** again.”

Virgil didn’t know what to say aside from his silent sobs finally gaining a voice. He cried. He cried and he cried and he cried as the three remaining Sides all rushed over and the five of them fell into a group hug. Logan gently drew his hands over all of Virgil’s bandages, carefully checking for signs of necessary replacements. Patton curled onto him and never stopped talking until every single positive thought about Virgil that he has ever processed had been uttered (meaning that he  _ never _ stopped talking). Roman ran his hands through Virgil’s hair and gripped onto him only with the strength of a king, a  _ protector _ , and a caretaker. Thomas,  **_the insane, confused,_ ** **_magnificent_ ** **_man,_ ** proceeded to do all three things and more on top.

Yes, Virgil tried to apologize, tried to explain why he “connected” with Thomas, even though he wasn’t thinking, tried to promise that he would never  _ ever _ do any of this again, but none of that mattered. It was okay. Virgil needn’t apologize because there is nothing to be sorry for. If he didn’t reach out to Thomas, who knows what would’ve happened, regardless of whether or not he truly was thinking. Virgil was not in control of his future, so he couldn’t promise that his future mental state was going to be perfect. He could slip up in a year, in a month, even a week.

Virgil heard all of this, and explained even more so, but none of it mattered. All that his friends, his  **_family_ ** wanted was Virgil Sanders, the flaws, incapabilities, cognitive distortions, weaknesses, everything that made Virgil  **_hate_ ** himself, was oddly enough everything that made the others want to love him even  **more** . It… it didn’t make sense… but maybe… maybe that was okay. Maybe they all were… okay. At the very very least... maybe...maybe  _ he _ could be.

Roman was humming a familiar song to all of them, and Patton was the first to sing the opening words. One of their dearest friends wrote it, and they all knew that all five of them would listen to it whenever one of them had a bad day.

“ _ I have a secret for the mad…” _

Logan continued it.

“ _ In a little bit of time it won’t hurt so bad…” _

Roman gave into it too.

“ _ And I get, that I don’t get it…” _

“ _ But you will burn right now, but then you won’t regret it,”  _ Thomas finished.

Vigil closed his eyes, melting into the emotion, care, and  **_love_ ** of his family. Just this once, in this single moment,  **everything felt okay** ...  **_and he sung along, too..._ **

 

_ “... Little things, all the stereotypes: they're gonna help you get through this one night, and there will be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it... _

 

_ “...I promise you it'll all make sense again. _

_ “I promise you it'll all make sense again. _

 

_ “There's nothing to do right now but try. _

_ “There are a hundred people who will listen to you cry. _

_ “And I get that they don't get it, but they love you so much that you won't regret it. _

 

_ “You're at the bottom, this is it. Just get through, you will be fixed. _

_ “And you think, that I don't get it, but I burned my way through and I don't regret it. _

 

_ “Little things, all the stereotypes: they're gonna help you get through this one night, and there will be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it... _

 

_ “...I promise you it'll all make sense again. _

_ “I promise you it'll all make sense again. _

_ “I promise you it'll all make sense again. _

 

**_“_ ** **_I promise you it'll all make sense again._ ** **_”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? Happy stuff! There's one more chapter after this, probably gonna be uploaded tomorrow :) Shout out to Dodie Clark's EP though. It's great, and Secret For The Mad is her song, definitely not mine! Thank you so so much for reading and I'll see you in the comments <3


	6. Making Sense.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is okay good?

Virgil and the Sides were released not long after Virgil’s initial wake. By then, it was Thomas who needed the most rest: the host, whom had barely slept to begin with, very clearly fought with himself for energy, strength, and basic consciousness. 

(He couldn’t walk in a straight line, so yes, he fumbled into things  _ many, many _ times.)

Needless to say, the Sides soon sank down into the mindscape, and Thomas (feeling a sudden lift of stress, all the while a small sense of loneliness) enjoyed a well-deserved  ~~**nine-hour** ~~ nap.

As for Virgil, he didn’t stay in his room as often anymore. He actually really enjoyed spending time with the others: there was some one-on-one quiet time with Logan, some tumblr-talk with Patton, Disney movies ~~ ** _paired with energetic debates_**~~ with Roman, more group movie nights than anyone can count. It was… nice. It made Virgil feel nice. 

Routine checks were very necessary, of course, having Virgil show the others his arms, wrists, ankles, and etc., while there was also a check around the room for potential “tools”. A different schedule was held by each of the other four, making sure, in Logan’s words, “optimal efficiency and randomness can be assured in checking on you.” 

Patton was originally afraid that this would bother Virgil’s privacy, and on some days, he was right: Virgil would groan and complain about getting three checks in a day, but on other days, Virgil would actually smile, knowing that they worry, and knowing that he hasn’t done anything in a long time. On very very few moments, he actually felt  **proud** of himself, and hearing their praise felt incredible. They all know that Virgil  **needs** them to worry, too. They brought out the best in him, and are able to sort out the worst, should it ever show up.

It’s as clear as day that Virgil still has bad days. He has also  **_failed_ ** routine after routine before, he has had moments where he had to yell for another Side to “keep all sharp objects  **away from me** **_now_ ** **.** ” There were horrible attacks (courtesy of both him  _ and _ Thomas) time and time again, and, yes, there came cases where he did need to call upon Thomas once more to stop himself from doing something brash. Moments where he felt like he made  **zero** progress since the hospital, moments where he regretted ever feeling proud in himself at all.

However, every time a routine failed, Logan would carefully pull a first-aid kit out and clean the wounds for Virgil, sometimes not saying a word (keeping comfortable silence between the two), and other times the two would just cry together, refusing for any of the others to see the emotions neither of them could control, nor understand. 

Roman  _ never _ had to be told twice to keep sharp objects away, and he always was first to run to ground Virgil, to care for him, and to protect him, claiming that “a Knight  _ always _ needs to save his  **fellow prince** .” 

Patton would console Virgil to the moon and back again. Always up for cuddles, always having an open door, and always asking for the small moments with Virgil. After an attack, he’d bake cookies and make Virgil’s favorite foods for dinner. If Virgil makes a deprecating remark, he’d make him a card listing at least seven great things about the dark Side. Should Virgil fail a check, Patton would kiss his forehead and tell him that it was okay to mess up.

And Thomas...  _ goodness, Thomas _ . He would do anything in his power to make Virgil comfortable, safe, loved, and cared for. He’d run in on him randomly and start screaming their favorite MCR songs, he’d learn how to apply makeup better so that Virgil’s makeup ability would also improve, he would drag Virgil out of his room to watch Nightmare Before Christmas with him at 3 o'clock in the morning, and, during bad moments, he never left Virgil’s side. Whether it be in silence, filled with words, or holding each other close, Thomas never questioned it, never complained, and never gave up a chance to show how much he loved.

That was just the thing that Thomas Sanders did:  **_always_ ** love,  **_always_ ** care, and  **_always_ ** protect, never even having to be asked. He smiled and gave and cared until there was nothing left to give. Every single part of him did that, and it was  _ great _ .

And Virgil was able to be a part of that life,  **_that magnificent, insane life_ ** .

… And that was great too.

Virgil looked in the mirror of his bedroom one last time before walking downstairs for a group movie night, humming softly to himself a very familiar song.

  
**_“_ ** **_I promise you it'll all make sense again._ ** **_”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Quirrell, okay is wonderful!"
> 
> Thank you all for reading this story, the comments and kudos move me beyond words. Anyone who have ideas for Sanders Sides stories that they'd wanna see, I'm always down for criticisms, suggestions, and ideas in the comments!
> 
> If you ever feel like Virgil, just remember that's it's okay to make slow progress, and sometimes fall behind. True growth can't happen in a clean, quick, progression, and it's okay to fall behind. But "happiness can be found in the darkest of places if one only remembers to turn on a light." You are loved, you are precious, you are magnificent. If no one else tells you this today, I love you <3
> 
> Stay safe, take care of yourselves, and I will see you all around ;)


End file.
